I am I AM's

Once you are stripped of all the ways you used to identify yourself and measure your worth or success, you may find yourself in a period of being tossed about, anger, jealousy, desperately grasping anything and anyone to tell you who you are, what to do, and how to do it... Nothing and no one will suffice... Except Jesus. And that identity is not "picture perfect servant/doer/goodie-two-shoes" and that measure is not against or determined by those around you.

I am not a singer, I am a child of God and a follower of Christ who has been given a singing "talent"
I am not an actress, I am a child of God and a follower of Christ who has been given an acting "talent"
I am not a program manager, I am a child of God and follower of Christ who has been given an administrative "talent"
I am a child of God and follower of Christ who functions in the roles of "sister," "daughter," "friend"
And so on...

Sowing & Reaping

John 4:32-38

But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”
Then his disciples said to each other, “Could someone have brought him food?”
“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

On being part of the Body of Christ: I might reap what someone else has sown while someone else reaps what I have sown... In the end, it's our Head who directs and provides the resources, tools, knowledge, and strength necessary to do the work.

It's not any one individual. It's many parts of one whole.

Behold, humility: humility to reap what someone else has sown and to sow what someone else will reap.

Prayer for Hartford

Psalm 51 - Yup - Ditto

All I know is that I am Yours.
I am nothing but Yours.
I don't know anything about anything.
You know everything about everything.

"Who....ME?!!" Moments

Setting the scene:
Gone for two days taking classes.
Work/emails piled up w/high-priority projects.
AT&T is on strike. Account manager is unavailable.
COX wants answers...
I don't have them yet.
Boss is busy.

Suddenly, email notification comes:
Subject: hi jennica
Basic Text: the construction crew needs to know if it's a go or not, let me know when you can if I should cancel

Step 1: Panic
Step 2: Seek wisdom/guidance. No answers. 
Step 3: Get a little bit bitter & frustrated ... blow off steam/whine to mom via text message
(Eat a half a scone)
Step 4: Reach out to knowledgeable people - send emails around
Step 5: Oh yeah.. pray.
(And eat the other half of the scone)
Step 6: Think to self, "I'm only 25! I shouldn't be doing this! It's too hard. I'm too young. I don't know what I'm doing."
(Eat some goldfish)
Step 7: Suddenly remember the last time I had a similar thought...
Step 8: Flashback to 2008. Allison's hair was falling out all over the place. Jason was walking around like a deer in headlights. Annabel & Atticus were acting like preschoolers under stress. I was thinking to myself, "I'm only 21! I can't take care of an entire family! I don't know what I'm doing!"
Step 9: Perspective..."But God"
Step 10: Fear is put in its place
(Eat half of a new scone)

Did what needed to be done. Answers came. Sent some respectful but hardball emails.
Made it through the day. 

God. God. God. God. God. God. God.

A Metaphorical Illustration...

...for my heart/soul's current state of longing...

 

Longing for love? for the mountains? for freedom? for elation? to feel alive? real? whole? full? 

Yes... but... underneath it all and the answer to all of these current longings is to know God more--to be close to Him. 

 

I've been made to long for Him. 

 

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
that rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
from a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over
stones on its way
To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before

My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

-Oscar Hammerstein II

Church & Dope On Lawrence Street

Walked out front door. Hit with the smell of pot.

Walked down steps. Turned right. A man. Sitting on the stoop next door.

Thought of Staci's story about the man she saw on our stoop. "We know everybody who knows anybody who lives here and you're not one of them..."

She said it was for coke.

I said, "Good morning," to this man and kept walking. He looked... nervous? bland? numb? blank. not sad, mad.. just blank... not desperate or desolate just... there. Sitting on the stoop.

--I wished I had invited him to church.

I'm a woman, I rationalized. I need to be wise. Street smart. Ugh. So not fair--but what about women like Mother Theresa? and Harriet Beecher Stowe? 

Continued on my way to church.

@ intersection of Russ & Broad...An SUV.

The man inside pulled up and said, "Hey [something about being beautiful] can I give you a ride somewhere?"

I attempted to ignore him and keep walking. But he saw me better and said, "I know you!"

He pulled over.

"No, wait. Come here. I know you."

Assuming maybe he did know me from somewhere... a few possibilities passed through my mind... I  kept my distance but asked, "How do you know me?"

"What's your name?"

I didn't give it.

He thought I was  woman named Kathy. He used to do dope with her on Lawrence.

I told him I've never done dope but that I was on my way to church on Lawrence actually and invited him to join me.

"What church?"

@ the Lyceum. Redeemer Hill Church.

Every Sunday?

Yup.

A woman who looked like she was on her way to the Pentecostal church a few feet away walked by...

I hoped for a second she'd say something.

She didn't.

I excused myself by explaining that I was running late and needed to go...

Daydreams

Kelly T was just asking me about my daydreams... the things I pause to smilingly ponder... and for which (at times) I achingly long...

The following are some of them (in no particular order):

1. Performing & ministering around the world with Lights Up
2. Door of Hope Children's Mission (South Africa)
3. Return to Hungary...travel to/around Europe...
5. Leading worship for women's conferences
6. Flirting. Dating. Having fun with, getting to know, laughing with, crying with, falling in love with, and marrying a great God-fearing man
7. Children. A home.

The Insurance Capital of the World - I live here!

I have a new friend!

She just moved in next door with her hubs. They moved up here from Philly. They're from Pakistan. He and his friend just graduated with actuarial masters(?) degrees and got jobs at Travelers. Met those dudes yesterday and I whisked wifey up to Shiloh for a chat when I got home today!! :) :) I love her already.

Never knew this would be my life at 25.
Singer-actress/nanny/office-worker-by-default turned Program Manager/Executive Assistant. Living in Hartford. Working at an insurance agency in suburbia. Studying to take the CT licensing exam for Life and Health insurance agents/producers.
Singing and performing for the Lord and His people...and anyone else who happens to ask. Worshiping and walking with an amazing body of mission and community focused believers!  I knew I'd love city life... but I never would have imagined it to take this shape.  

God, you sure do work things out neat.

My Plan for Jennica at 25: 
Live in/near "the city" - NYC or Boston or DC
Be married to a "sugar daddy" (preferably military coughUSMCcough)
Have a Master's in Opera Performance
Actively auditioning/performing/competing/traveling
Being a light to the music/performance world
Attending a great church

Vs.

God's Plan for Jennica at 25:
Live in Hartford, CT
Single - but surrounded by amazing brothers & sisters in Christ - learning a lot about community and real relationships
Studying for a CT Insurance Provider's License
Actively touring/ministering with Lights Up Productions in Lost In Vegas
Singing on the worship team at RHC
Worshiping and serving with and within a great Christian family

Essentially the same yet divinely different.

Pound Cake & Lady Gaga

Tony & JoEllen Stancil (aka "my RHC parents") made my day today in two ways: 1. The most delicious slice of pound cake ever. They went to breakfast at Rein's Deli before coming all the way to Glastonbury to do ME a vehicular favor. They just give and give and give some more. I savored every bite. 2. Let me precede this one by first explaining that Tony is a highly respected professional mechanic dude. (His word must hold some kind of weight). After handing over the keys, I pre-apologized for the state of my sweet little Lady Gaga--not clean. Not clean by a looooong shot. One would think I have lots of messy children and no closet space whatsoever (2nd part is slightly true). Then my wonderful, loving, and merciful church parents taught me one of my favorite lessons ever--one that Tony has put to the test of time and experience: "The messier the car, the prettier the girl" AMEN!!! Praise the Lord!!! HALLELUJAH!!! Jesus saves!!!

One of the best nights ever...

Just said goodbye to the coolest group of 13-14 year-old Christian men (and their leader, Dave!) that I've ever had the pleasure of hanging with. We spent the entire evening on a full adventure walk through downtown Hartford. They've been spending a lot of time in "the hood" doing service projects, so tonight, I gave them a glimpse into Hartford's other personality.

After dinner chats about what they've been up to/where they're coming from and where I'm coming from, we ate ice cream in the kitchen, and then hopped out the front door to embark on a 2+ hour adventure through some of the sites of downtown. I put on my tour guide/youth group leader/big sister hat as we walked (and acted like more like hooligans as the night went on) around the Capitol, Supreme Court, Bushnell, Bushnell Park...and beyond!

"We were expecting a formal sit down dinner with a black family--and then all of the sudden this white girl comes to the door and we eat sandwiches and fruit salad in her living room!"

We sauntered through the park and up to the wicked old cemetery near the gold building...where they decided to continue hanging out with this girl! (and go late to their evening program)... so we ventured on to Riverside Park (near the bandstand), where (after a short history lesson on Abe Lincoln and H.B. Stowe) the photo-shoot began ... along with the frequent mini-heart attacks ... as they became more and more daring with the wall-walking, and climbing, and anything else they could manage (i.e. loud burps, attempts to spit loogies on the cars below before 'mean-Jennica' gave her ten-teenth, "Really, guys?")

After some water fountain fun (and by water fountain fun, I mean policing the schemes dreamed up by teenage boys who have an "epic" --their words--water fountain in their midst ... just a couple, "Nooope"-s stopped one of them from giving into encouragement to stone-hop in the water fountain), and pepper spray practice (so glad I know how it works now), we began to turn to loop back home ... when one of them said, "Here I am, on a missions trip and I'm having so much fun!"  Voila, blessing and being blessed. =)

As we waited for the walk-signal at the Old State House Plaza ("fully equipped with WiFi," said I, as I spread out my arms like Vanna White--they loved that), the group contemplated/debated jay-walking for the 15th time...and then met a man named Mark outside of Burger King during a potty break pit stop. We chatted, invited him to an upcoming Love Wins event, and Dave bought him a burger.

The boys got increasingly nostalgic on the walk home through Bushnell Park (where I only had to remind them a couple of times that it was technically closed and therefore couldn't loiter--success!) and under the arch/towers thing (super pretty when lit up at night!).

We marveled at beautiful lit up towers/buildings across the dark blue night sky ... AND THEN ... one of them rolled down the hill of the Supreme Court's front lawn.  That was it for me.  If I have any kind of weakness--okay fine, I have two--they are puddle jumping and HILL-ROLLING.  All of the sudden, 25 year old Jennica went away and little girl Jennica was rolling in the freshly cut grass with the boys.  Then 25 year old Jennica and the boys walked dizzily back to Shiloh; where we prayed, exchanged email addresses, and said our sad goodbyes.

"I hope we can have dinner again with you next year." - best quote of the night.

Me too.

On Trying New Things

I LOVE trying new things. Usually, "surprise me" is one of my favorite responses. I'm the girl who will ask the waitress/waiter what to order if I can't decide... And I must say great adventures and new discoveries usually follow. |Proverbs 15:22| HOWEVER, tonight I am experiencing severe disappointment. Yesterday, my adventurous side got the best of me. Tonight, I am dealing with the consequences of a decision that lacked wisdom. Why in the world did I EVER think it was a good idea to decide to try a new brand AND a new flavor of hummus at the same time??!! YUCK-A-DOO!! ... Lemons-lemonade... looking up recipes that use hummus.

Love is

Wowowowowow. Wow. Thank you, Father.

This quote from Hannah Hurnard's "Lessons Learned from the Slopes of the High Places" at the end of her book, Hinds Feet On High Places says it best:

"Love is not a feeling. It is an overmastering passion to help and bless and deliver and comfort and strengthen and give joy to others just as the Lord Jesus always did.

"Here on earth we have the opportunity to do what the God of love does all the time, and to learn to abandon ourselves to loving and giving, to seeking, and to saving others. Not a lovely feeling of affection, or physical pleasure and satisfaction, but the extreme eternal ecstasy of creating happiness and good and blessed things for others to enjoy. To cast ourselves down like the Brumbach falls, in happy giving, asking for nothing in return except for the joy of so doing. When we really begin to learn and practice that lesson we shall begin to feel 'at home' in the eternal world of selfless love.

"Here in Les Avants, God has been saying to me over and over again, 'It is so happy to love without asking to be loved in return. Dare to be happy!' it is not some feeling one waits for, nor some special person to evoke the love. It is an attitude of will. I will cast myself down in giving. The lower I go the more love I am able to transmit from God to others, just like the Lord of love himself, who was not content until he found and took the lowest place in the universe. I spend my days on the earth to learn this lesson, so that I may be able to love forever."

So crazy in love with the way our God works. He's such an artist! A master orchestrator.

Experiencing this:

Then he went on, "Now for the flower of Love and for the promise that when it blooms you will be loved in return."

Grace and Glory spoke for the first time. "My Lord and King," she said softly, "there is no flower of Love to bloom in my heart. It was burned to ashes on the altar at thy command."

"No flower of Love?" he repeated, and laughed again so gently and joyfully that she could hardly bear it. "That is strange, Grace and Glory. How, then, did you get here? You are right on the High Places, in the Kingdom of Love itself. Open your heart and let us see what is there."

At his word she laid bare her heart, and out came the sweetest perfume she had ever breathed and filled all the air around them with its fragrance. There in her heart was a plant whose shape and form could not be seen because it was covered all over with pure white, almost transparent blooms, from which the fragrance poured forth.

Grace and Glory gave a little gasp of wonder and thankfulness. "How did it get there, my Lord and King?" she exclaimed.

"Why, I planted it there myself," was his laughing answer. "Surely you remember down there by the sheep pool in the Valley of Humiliation, on the day that you promised to go with me to the High Places. It is the flower from the thorn-shaped seed."

"Then, my Lord, what was the plant which the priest tore our of my heart when I was bound to the altar?"

"Do you remember, Grace and Glory, when you found that my kind of love was not there at all--only the plant of Longing-to-be-loved?"

She nodded wonderingly.

"That was the natural human love which I tore out from your heart when the time was ripe and it was loose enough to be uprooted altogether so that the real Love could grow there alone and fill your whole heart."

...

"And now for the promise," said he, "that when Love flowers in your heart you shall be loved again." Taking her hand in his, he said, "Behold I have set my love upon thee and thou art mine ... yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee" (Jer. 31:3)

(from Hinds Feet on High Places)

+ Brent quoting: Isaiah 40:30-31

"Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

= Open the floodgates and let the tears (and snot) FLOW.

So grateful to be a part of the Kingdom of Love.

 

Lessons Learned

Learning how to let people think and believe whatever they want about me and trust the Lord to do His will. It is not my name that needs to be honored.  Behold, the beautiful freedom of not needing to explain oneself.

Hartford Hospital & The Spirit of Adoption

Went on my first hospital prayer visit for a non-relative tonight. In fact, I'd never met the guy.

Sat alone in tiny Neurology room--clearly not made for visitors--in the chair that I had pulled out from the corner. Crossed legs. Set bag on floor. Looked at the stranger...

...but he didn't seem like a stranger. Maybe it was because he was in a medically induced coma and therefore unable to respond and make it clear that we'd never even seen each other before... but there was something more. Something that goes beyond common connections made by human interactions. Something deeper than proper introductions and "getting to know you" small talk. I wasn't looking at a stranger. I was looking at my new brother. A regular visitor to my parents' church--newly saved.

Tonight I had the opportunity to experience the bond of family that the Holy Spirit creates--no words or team-building/experience sharing strings attached. The spirit of adoption. Man was it powerful.

When we interact again someday...and speak face to face...I wonder if we'll sense it... or if it will get swept away with the ways of the world.

"Lord.... Lord. I don't know what I'm doing."

I got a few jumbled, awkward, silent words together...

Felt the stirring of compassion...but nothing clear to focus on and pray for.

I opened my tiny pink Bible.

Flipped through a few scripture-filled note cards, barely glancing at their contents, when one unmistakably jumped out at me:

"My life is hid with Christ in God. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who liveth in me." (Col. 3:3)

My whole chest and tummy grew warm.

"Excuse me?" A doctor lady entered in the room... checked a few stats... introduced herself and asked who I was.

She looked at a list and didn't see my name. I didn't want to go yet...but it was really time to give Sue a turn.

"Who gave you permission to be here?"

"His mother," I replied. "She just called in to add us to the list--me and Sue"

"Who did she call?"

"The front desk..." ...?... "I mean.. the nurses' center"

She walked away to check.

I waited for her to come back before getting back into prayer... but she didn't come. It was time to let Sue have a chance... but I didn't want this woman to think that I was running because I had lied about being there!

"Oh well... I'll see if she's still at the desk." 

She was.  I waited until I got her attention and then asked if everything checked out. She reassuringly said yes and apologized.  She looked at the clock asked how long I'd be staying.

"I'm going to let Sue come in now... Her daughter.. is... out there…" (My true eloquence was shining through).

I turned and walked to the door.

"She seems sweet," were the words spoken behind me.

Drama, drama, drama

During a textversation with Pamcakes this afternoon, I finally accepted and admitted that I really am a "Drama Queen".

What a shocker, righttt?! Something my parents have been saying since I was 2...but I refused to accept it! Drama is messy. Drama is stressful. Drama is exhausting. Drama robs life of peace. Drama can lead to broken relationships and friendships. Who in their right mind would seek it out...let alone create it?! Oh right...I would.

I thrive on it! The good, the bad... (preferably the "good," the bad is quite stressful--but hey, gotta get that fix somehow!) Life is so uninteresting when the blood isn't flowing. Must be an adrenaline/sensory-stimulation thing. Gee.. thanks... Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. This learning to just "be" can be quite a humbug at times for people like me--where's the thrill?! Where's the drama?! Where's the adventure? Where are the problems to be solved?! The people to meet?! The feelings to be felt?! GAHHHH.  Time for a nap.

CAUGHT!

My boss: "Are you eating candy for lunch?"
Me: (...Slow, sheepish turn towards her...)
My boss: "Come on." (Grabs wallet and heads out the door) "Let's go for a walk outside and grab some lunch"
Me: (Traipsing after her) "I...I...I....I ran out of time this morning and thought to myself, 'I have healthy Caitlin cookies and candy in my bag!'--it just wasn't worth it." (Following her up the stairs & through the parking lot) "And...and...they're shaped like cute little bunnies--!"
My boss: "I remember when I could eat candy for lunch"
Me: "...I was going to grab a bagel from the freezer in the break-room if things got desperate! --- Really?"
My boss: "I was..." (thinks for a minute) "28."
Me: "I have three more years!" (fist pump)

Dear candidate(s),

Thank you for your interest!  

Please consider the following before inquiring:

1. I am looking for a husband.
2. I do not trust men but I want to learn to.
3. I do not want to have sex in any form until marriage. The ideal candidate will desire purity even more than I.
4. I am emotionally high maintenance. 
5. Most importantly, I need the man I marry to know the Lord and His unconditional love.   

If you would still like to recommend yourself for consideration, please submit a resume and cover letter requesting an interview. All inquiries will be reviewed and responded to in a timely fashion. 

May the Lord bless you with a wife that holds the wisdom, grace, and talent found in the woman described in Proverbs 31. 

Fondly,

This girl

My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
Got to get dressed... so I can get My Heart

My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
Helping at St. Steve's... then I can get My Heart

My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
Air mattress from Mama, so she doesn't sleep with me!

My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
My Heart, My Heart, I get to see My Heart
Got to get dressed... so I can get My Heart

:) The End.

"That moment when..." (A Testimony)

That moment when… you get to your car in the parking lot of Walmart to put your household and personal goods into your trunk and you realize that the Lord has been faithful to provide for the needs of 2-3 adult women for 3 months.

That moment when… you finish packing the trunk of the car that sat in the parking lot of Classic Auto for 10?? months while you relied on the provision of the Lord for transportation and humbled yourself to accept the kindness of family and friends to graciously provide rides, vehicles, housing near work. [You think back to that time--a time when you couldn't do everything you wanted, or go where you wanted, when you wanted--a time that formed you and your heart--a time much like this current time of rest and not doing.]

Wow. Lord, you are so good.

That moment when… you realize He knows what people you need in your life at any given time and gives them to you--from one to few to many. Maybe not always as many as you would like… maybe not always how you'd like… but exactly enough to fill your need... exactly what/who you needed and how/when you needed them.

That moment when… you realize you're alive… you're living a real life… you're feeling more like a "real adult" every day.

That moment when… you come to a deeper understanding of how your God has always been there--no matter where you (or your heart) were or what you were doing with your life (serving Him, serving self, serving self thinking that you're serving him, knowingly and blatantly serving self…).

That moment when… you get a glimpse of that faithfulness that far surpasses anything you could ever earn or deserve.

That moment when... you feel loved... you feel secure in your Savior's hands/love/faithfulness... you feel like a real person...finally.

[And this is just the beginning of a new thing. His new thing.]

________________________________________________________________________________________

That moment when... you're editing your blog post and you remember when the Lord began speaking to you/intimately teaching you about His promise to "give us this day our daily bread" 2ish years ago...

Streams of ... Thought.

Disclaimer:

This was only meant to be a personal journal entry--to remain on the pages of OneNote--but it became so much more... A confession, of sorts--which is why I'm posting it here.  

There is a bit of ugliness in it...immaturity...selfishness...honesty.  I do not intend to instruct men.  I want to learn how to respect men.  It is essential to read from beginning to end. 

The thoughts and words that follow are a path of healing.  From quietly/secretly admonishing -- via a note not directed at any man in particular -- a note written to stand up for the injustice towards women -- (and probably for my own self-preservation/gratification), to seeking, to seeing, to conviction, ...to submission. 

Glory to God! -- In the words of Robert De Niro, "Youuuu..You're good."

_________________________________________

Dearest Men of God,

Women are not just one more thing to protect and tend as another ministry in your life.  Yes, you are our head, our covering--praise the Lord for His goodness and provision of a covering and protector!  But remember this, our heavenly Father has brought us to you--as a helper--a good thing--because it was not good for man to be alone.

Women are not like the wild animals and the birds in the sky--formed from the dust of the ground. 

Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.   (Genesis 2:19)

Woman was made from man.

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.  (Genesis 2:22-24)

Accept us.

Power over the creatures was given to man, and as a proof of this he named them all. It also shows his insight into the works of God. But though he was lord of the creatures, yet nothing in this world was a help meet for man. From God are all our helpers. If we rest in God, he will work all for good. God caused deep sleep to fall on Adam; while he knows no sin, God will take care that he shall feel no pain. God, as her Father, brought the woman to the man, as his second self, and a help meet for him. That wife, who is of God's making by special grace, and of God's bringing by special providence, is likely to prove a help meet for a man. See what need there is, both of prudence and prayer in the choice of this relation, which is so near and so lasting. That had need to be well done, which is to be done for life. Our first parents needed no clothes for covering against cold or heat, for neither could hurt them: they needed none for ornament. Thus easy, thus happy, was man in his state of innocency. How good was God to him! How many favours did he load him with! How easy were the laws given to him! Yet man, being in honour, understood not his own interest, but soon became as the beasts that perish. (Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible)

Pasted from <http://biblecommenter.com/genesis/2-19.htm>

 _________________________________________

Dearest Women of the Lord,

"Your desire will be for your husband,

   and he will rule over you.”  (Genesis 3:16b)

Wait a minute...WAIT. A. MINUTE. 

Now that I'm finally being honest with myself and God, my first reaction whenever I read this verse is:   "Ugh"

How frightening is it to read that?! It makes my stomach heavy with fear.

We know no human man is perfect. We also know well this desire for our husband--be honest. Whether the Lord intends us to be married or not...I believe there is a desire within every woman for her husband. (Jesus - Groom, Church - Bride, etc…)

Now, why the despairing fear? - That's right...it's not just fear...it's despairing fear.

FIRST there is this desire planted deep within me for my husband...THAT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT! I can't get rid of it, I can't replace it, I can't bury it...it's just there… so I can either just be stuck with it and fight against it for the rest of my life or accept it as from the Lord. GAH. Fine God.

Now what?

What's that?? He's going to rule over me?? Shit. Are you serious??? You're going to entrust me, your very own daughter to … to this? 

But Daddy….they're so...soo…. Vain…and a little bit dumb.  And they can be mean...and hurt...and abuse… They take advantage...

I can try to take control of him...I mean, Eve didn't even have to convince Adam to eat the fruit...she just gave it to him and he ate it!!! Are you serious, God???

No matter how hard I try to control him, he still rules over me...because I desire him...what is it I desire? His physical strength? His humor? His practicality and simplicity? Everything is just so linear to him. Uncomplicated. Black and white. Happy-Sad-Angry. Uninhibited. Makes decisions and just goes with it.

His man-li-ness.

And then I begin to see the actual state of my heart in this area…

I'm afraid of imperfect man. I do not trust him. He does not have my best interest at heart. Just...his own. How can  you do this to me? To us? Lord...Daddy...don't you love us? Don't you want good for us? How is this good?

He can hurt me.

Why can't you make him desire me too?? This isn't fair, God! He's going to rule over us AND we're going to desire him??? Why can't he desire us? (Not just physically).  That would make his ruling so much nicer. 

I know… I know... he doesn't think like me. Nor are Your ways like mine.

But... but... They think they're God's gift to women. Isn't it the reverse? 

  - No, we are not gifts given. We are not possessions. We are not commodities.

We are helpers brought unto... We are made from... We are bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. If he hates us, he hates his very own bone and flesh. If he hurts us, he hurts himself. If he abuses and takes advantage of us, he does it to himself. If he gives up, stops fighting, cheats, runs… he's doing all these things to himself.

Oh sweet Jesus, have your way here on earth!! Holy Spirit, change our hearts.

You know what's going to happen, Daddy. You know what they're going to do with this power. You know how we're going to respond.

Lord, have mercy upon us.

Sweet, sweet Savior. Only you can straighten us out.

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself…" (Eph. 5:33a)

"...and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph. 5:33b)

"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." (Eph. 5:24)

Frickity frick frick.

Respect.

Submit.

...In everything.

Lord, change my heart and thoughts towards man. Forgive my spitefulness and bitterness. My own vanity and selfishness. Forgive me for not believing in you and your unconditional love and goodness. Restore me...Restore us, all of us. Give us grace to trust. We are not victims of man or woman, we are victims of sin--our own and that of others. In Christ's death and resurrection. In the life of the redeemed, we are protected. We are loved.

In the name of the One who makes it all possible, the Lord Jesus, the Christ.

Amen.

"Under fallen man, woman has been more or less a slave. In fact, under the rule of selfishness, the weaker must serve the stronger. Only a spiritual resurrection will restore her to her true place, as the help-meet for man." (Albert Barnes, Notes on the Bible, 1834).

Freedom Friday (A Checklist for an Unscripted Day):

Coffee with the Hannah roommate...Check!
Shower...wet hair...NEW HAT to drive the Hannah roommate to work...Check!
Change to sundress...Check!
Overwhelmed with the Lord's love...Check!
Dancing alone in the apartment (to Kari Jobe radio on Pandora)...Check!
Contact lenses... Check!
Surprised by the roommate being home (and oh so glad she didn't catch me dancing)... Check!
Long burst of little girl giddiness, glee, and excitement (haven't felt this kind of freedom and joy and sense of being oh so loved and beautiful and grand in the eyes of...anyone...since...I WAS a little girl...) ... check check and a whole lot of check.
Search for gold flip-flops...uncovering EVERYTHING BUT.... ...check.
Driving tour of my city (and only partly due to temporary lost-ness)... Check!
Burning in my heart for my city... Check!
Full tank o gas...Check!
Car bath... Check! (Lady G looks SO lovely!)
Oil Change...a manager named George...and a sense of home and belonging...

Priceless.

Isaiah 45:19
New Living Translation

I publicly proclaim bold promises. I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner. I would not have told the people of Israel to seek me if I could not be found. I, the LORD, speak only what is true and declare only what is right.

A Scary Prayer to Pray

A Scary Prayer to Pray--

Lord, let me not go a day in this life without knowing my desperate need for your salvation. In the name of Jesus, our salvation ("She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." -Matthew 1:21).
Amen.

(The scariest/most painful prayers, are often the most joy-filling, life-giving, fruit-full-EST--so PRAY THEM and see how your loving Father answers)

Daddy Knows Best

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices! (Psalm 37, ESV)

If I am learning anything, it is that God doesn't just change our hearts to what He wants for us and our lives--He KNOWS what we want better than we do. He alone knows the desires of our hearts. He alone knows what will and how to truly satisfy them. Delight yourself in the Lord--only THEN will you be willing and able to ACCEPT the things He has for you that will satisfy your heart's deepest and truest desires. BECAUSE it is God ALONE that our hearts desire. Therefore, HE alone can fill those desires--and lead us on that path and give us those things that HE knows will give true peace and true joy to the hearts and souls that HE created. Our deepest desires have been given to us by Him before the day we were born. Trust that "Daddy knows best". If we do, we will not--we cannot be disappointed.

Lessons for the Not So Wise -- Lesson #6782 -- "So You've Been 'Grounded' By God" -- by Jennica R. Serra

So I've been grounded by God for the past couple of weeks. Not just poured out, but burnt out, cracked down the side, placed on the shelf & told, "Stay".

Part I: Hallelujah I'm free! (from people pleasing and schedules and never being able to keep up with life)
Part II: Mmmm so this is what it's like to feel rested and peaceful.
Part III: Wow. So this is unconditional love...from God AND people.
Part IV: AH! MASSACHUSETTS? You mean, leave the safety of home and work? I'm sorry but those are the only places where I have some grasp of who I am right now...and I don't want to lose it or fall backwards! Bah...fine, God...I'll go...
Part V: MA was good...really good...and the newly broken horse knew when it was time to gracefully take the trip back home for some rest and fellowship with her sister horses.
Part VI: Oh...is that a glimpse of actual VISION into what is in store for me in Hartford? Am I allowed to want Hartford? Are you going to take it away, God?
Part VII: More sisterhood.
Part VIII: Laughter & Provision. Momentary, "Are we there yet?" That's true...I do see how I need more time. I trust you. I love you.
Part IX: :) :) hmm... followed by AHHHHH LOTS OF WILD CRAZY FUN GIRL TIME!!
Part X: Wiped out. Oh yeah... I forgot. I'm still grounded. Thank you, Lord. I love you.

On Calling & Sending

The Christian’s walk is often referred to in the Bible as a journey or a race—something that requires endurance, patience, perseverance, training, & commitment. There is also a requirement of hard work.  However, we frequently misplace to whom the brunt of that hard work belongs. No, we are not to sit back on our haunches and let others take over or let God do it all Himself... He has given us the blessed gift of being a part of His divine plan—isn’t that the understatement of the century?  
 
We must remember that we are, indeed, on a journey—and what an incredible journey it is.  God hasn’t left us alone on this journey; He has given us the Holy Spirit as a guide and relationships with our brothers & sisters in the Body of Christ.  Let us not forget that we may be called to Christ, but then He sends us out to do the work that He has created us for and for us.  Many of the facets of our lives that we call a “calling” (or “vocation”—Latin root: vocare, “to call”) are actually areas where we are being “sent” to serve in the name of Christ, our Savior.  For example, our jobs.  We may say, “Teaching is my calling” or “Creating beautiful artwork...” or “Singing...” or “I am called to build homes” or “...design skyscrapers” but the truth is: Christ has called you by name unto Himself.  He is your calling.  Once you recognize that, you will learn to know and embrace the strength that comes from being sent by Christ to do the work He specifically designed you for and for you.

What you do does not define who you are or how valuable you are.  What you do is a response to whose you are.  Who has called you?  Who are you led to?  Who are you loving with all of your heart, mind, and strength—or is it better to ask, what are you loving with all of these things?  What is calling your heart on a daily basis?  Are you listening?  What does that which calls your heart lead you to do—where is it sending you?

If Christ is the one who calls your heart and you listen, you will be sent to people, places and jobs in ways you never could have imagined.  And while there will be trials and difficulties along the way, you will be restored and blessed—both now and even more so in eternity—by the One who supplies all your needs and strength to continue on the journey He has laid out for His beloved ones who love and serve Him. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”    (Romans 8:28)