Happy New Year!

"Did you want to kiss me at midnight last year?"

"I'd been wanting to kiss you for the better part of a decade."

From last year to this year....

A Mini Testimony

A couple of weeks ago, I stood up as a worship assistant in church for the first time in over a year. Over a year ago, I stepped down as a worship leader because of my sin and my bitter heart and anger towards God. A couple of weeks ago, I stood up with my mom as a worship assistant in front of my entire church body. My brother and sister were the ones on the schedule but they were running late, so mom turned to me and I jumped up with her without thinking. Worship began. A battle commenced. "You're not ready. You're still angry. You are still broken. You don't love God the way you should to be up here. You don't believe these words. You don't feel these words. You can't say these words." I cried out to God...a wordless prayer from the heart. And God said, "Ask me to make you whole." I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't. I couldn't. I wasn't ready. Then the panic attacks came. The Holy Spirit bit at my ankles. He pestered me like a fly buzzing around your head. Until I was a wreck. I was barely standing in the midst of lies from the enemy of my soul and this super annoying fly buzzing around my head offering relief. I didn't want to take it. I wanted out. I just wanted it all to go away.

Yesterday, a man on the radio said, "life is a gift." I scoffed and said, "Ha. False. In my mind, life is a curse." I was honest with myself. I walked into church with my son in tow thinking, he is the only reason I keep going. My heart was breaking. Why can't I feel like life is a gift? My pastor came up to me and asked how I was. When moms, dads, and pastors ask this question, watch out. The tears rise. I told her that I was battling lies. She said a few words of encouragement. My mentor came up, I told her what was up, she and I set up lunch for Friday. Worship started. Without a thought, I went to the front of the church. I don't know why, but I did.

When it came time for prayer requests, without a thought, I asked for prayer. My church family laid hands on me, anointed me with oil and cried out to God on my behalf.

Elijah started to act up, we had to leave. I was increasingly anxious again... Got in the car and drove because that's what I do when I'm anxious. I drive. I fly. I run. I drive. The tears came. The truth of my heart came pouring out. I asked God to make me whole. I asked Him, "make me whole." I don't want to be broken anymore.

‪#‎onthemend

I am I AM's

Once you are stripped of all the ways you used to identify yourself and measure your worth or success, you may find yourself in a period of being tossed about, anger, jealousy, desperately grasping anything and anyone to tell you who you are, what to do, and how to do it... Nothing and no one will suffice... Except Jesus. And that identity is not "picture perfect servant/doer/goodie-two-shoes" and that measure is not against or determined by those around you.

I am not a singer, I am a child of God and a follower of Christ who has been given a singing "talent"
I am not an actress, I am a child of God and a follower of Christ who has been given an acting "talent"
I am not a program manager, I am a child of God and follower of Christ who has been given an administrative "talent"
I am a child of God and follower of Christ who functions in the roles of "sister," "daughter," "friend"
And so on...

Sowing & Reaping

John 4:32-38

But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”
Then his disciples said to each other, “Could someone have brought him food?”
“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

On being part of the Body of Christ: I might reap what someone else has sown while someone else reaps what I have sown... In the end, it's our Head who directs and provides the resources, tools, knowledge, and strength necessary to do the work.

It's not any one individual. It's many parts of one whole.

Behold, humility: humility to reap what someone else has sown and to sow what someone else will reap.

Prayer for Hartford

Psalm 51 - Yup - Ditto

All I know is that I am Yours.
I am nothing but Yours.
I don't know anything about anything.
You know everything about everything.

"Who....ME?!!" Moments

Setting the scene:
Gone for two days taking classes.
Work/emails piled up w/high-priority projects.
AT&T is on strike. Account manager is unavailable.
COX wants answers...
I don't have them yet.
Boss is busy.

Suddenly, email notification comes:
Subject: hi jennica
Basic Text: the construction crew needs to know if it's a go or not, let me know when you can if I should cancel

Step 1: Panic
Step 2: Seek wisdom/guidance. No answers. 
Step 3: Get a little bit bitter & frustrated ... blow off steam/whine to mom via text message
(Eat a half a scone)
Step 4: Reach out to knowledgeable people - send emails around
Step 5: Oh yeah.. pray.
(And eat the other half of the scone)
Step 6: Think to self, "I'm only 25! I shouldn't be doing this! It's too hard. I'm too young. I don't know what I'm doing."
(Eat some goldfish)
Step 7: Suddenly remember the last time I had a similar thought...
Step 8: Flashback to 2008. Allison's hair was falling out all over the place. Jason was walking around like a deer in headlights. Annabel & Atticus were acting like preschoolers under stress. I was thinking to myself, "I'm only 21! I can't take care of an entire family! I don't know what I'm doing!"
Step 9: Perspective..."But God"
Step 10: Fear is put in its place
(Eat half of a new scone)

Did what needed to be done. Answers came. Sent some respectful but hardball emails.
Made it through the day. 

God. God. God. God. God. God. God.