A couple of weeks ago, I stood up as a worship assistant in
church for the first time in over a year. Over a year ago, I stepped down as a
worship leader because of my sin and my bitter heart and anger towards God. A
couple of weeks ago, I stood up with my mom as a worship assistant in front of
my entire church body. My brother and sister were the ones on the schedule but
they were running late, so mom turned to me and I jumped up with her without
thinking. Worship began. A battle commenced. "You're not ready. You're
still angry. You are still broken. You don't love God the way you should to be
up here. You don't believe these words. You don't feel these words. You can't
say these words." I cried out to God...a wordless prayer from the heart.
And God said, "Ask me to make you whole." I didn't. I don't know why,
but I didn't. I couldn't. I wasn't ready. Then the panic attacks came. The Holy
Spirit bit at my ankles. He pestered me like a fly buzzing around your head.
Until I was a wreck. I was barely standing in the midst of lies from the enemy
of my soul and this super annoying fly buzzing around my head offering relief.
I didn't want to take it. I wanted out. I just wanted it all to go away.
Yesterday, a man on the radio said, "life is a
gift." I scoffed and said, "Ha. False. In my mind, life is a
curse." I was honest with myself. I walked into church with my son in tow
thinking, he is the only reason I keep going. My heart was breaking. Why can't
I feel like life is a gift? My pastor came up to me and asked how I was. When
moms, dads, and pastors ask this question, watch out. The tears rise. I told
her that I was battling lies. She said a few words of encouragement. My mentor
came up, I told her what was up, she and I set up lunch for Friday. Worship
started. Without a thought, I went to the front of the church. I don't know
why, but I did.
When it came time for prayer requests, without a thought, I
asked for prayer. My church family laid hands on me, anointed me with oil and
cried out to God on my behalf.
Elijah started to act up, we had to leave. I was
increasingly anxious again... Got in the car and drove because that's what I do
when I'm anxious. I drive. I fly. I run. I drive. The tears came. The truth of
my heart came pouring out. I asked God to make me whole. I asked Him,
"make me whole." I don't want to be broken anymore.
